Episode 3: Vampire Sex anyone?

Episode 3

Asshole: Hi and welcome to the Smart Weiters Blog where we've been employing circus midget rejects to rub our feet with baby oil since October of 2011. Apparently four feet is too tall to be swallowed by Whale Man but damnit if they're not people too. Yes we are now on to our third episode and after spending ten million yen, four thousand pesos and two hundred rubles in advertising we now have one follower...yeah, so much for overseas markets. Of course it might have helped to send out press releases in their native language but who cares, it's not my money. Joining us today in our studios in Prussia where yet another uprising seems to be shaking the very building we're in is my co-host, your pizza delivery guy and the world’s biggest joke of a writer; Brim!

B: How have you not been shot yet with that kind of mouth?

A: Feet of lightning my friend. No one touches this sex bot.

B: I thought you were a virgin?

A: Well yeah if you don't count your mom.

B: Fuck you.

A: With us as always, taping the episode from behind a metal and glass dick to overcompensate for his little nub, is Ben the weird fucker with googly eyes.

Ben: I thought Fat told you I'm not part of the show and that you’re not to talk to me.

A: You’re right but sometimes you look so lonely back there with those sad stupid eyes and buck teeth that I just feel the need to pull your eyes out and bash your face in...one of these days my friend. One of these days.

B: Perhaps we should introduce our indie author?

A: Of course. Please welcome the woman responsible for Brim’s unexpected lotion and toilet paper bills, along with a forty dollar blow up doll, fake fangs and some glue, Ranae Rose!

Ranae: Hey Asshole and Brim. Thanks for inviting me onto your blog. Judging by your recent, er, purchases, Brim, it sounds like you may have been reading some of my vampire novels. I hope you enjoyed them, though that rather ominous collection of items tells me I probably don't want to know the details of exactly how much. You're not that anonymous guy that sent me that creepy e-mail last week, are you?

Brim: No no no, I uh...ha ha, I don't own an email.

Asshole: Yes you do. Ben, what's his email?

Brim: Don't listen to these guys...

A: Isn't is PrincessLeahLover69?

Brim: Let's uh, move on.

A: Of course. Now Ranae, would you briefly describe your book for our one fan?

Brim: That's our job.

A: I’m challenging our guest.

B: You didn't read the book, again!

A: You reading certain passages multiple times, whacking your monkey or noosing your goose or, whatever the kids say, is enough for both of us.

B: You’re like a perverted Dr. Seuss.

A: I try. So Ranae, how would you describe your book to someone you just met?

Ranae: My latest book, Demon of Mine, is an erotic romance set in Regency England about a vampire heir and a dying housemaid. I like to think that it's a little different than the average Regency, since my heroine, Elsie, isn't quite as concerned with propriety as the average Regency heroine (who's usually some sort of nobility and under a lot of social pressure). And then there's Damon - who obviously, as a vampire, isn't your typical English gentleman.

B: What made you choose to make Damon a vampire versus a werewolf or some other paranormal monster?

A: Yeah, I'd imagine Frankenstein would be ready made for something like this, what with every part of him being extra big. Then when you make the movie, you could cast me in the role.

R: I think vampires usually have an easier time blending in with society (if they want to) than other paranormal creatures. That was important for Damon, since his family is heavily involved in London's business circles, and, to a certain extent, social scene. I mean, if I'd made him a Frankenstein-like creature, his bolts and sutures would have given him away. Plus I'm not sure I trust a mad-scientist's stitching. I'm afraid that shoddy needle work might give way during more, er, vigorous scenes and result in detached body parts. It would kill the mood for everyone if they had to stop so that Elsie could stitch one of his appendages back on, right?

A: Yeah, but if she's pissed she could just pocket the appendage and make him his bitch. I don't want to play this part anymore.

 B: I won't ask you the appeal of vampires. I assume it's that dark, mysterious stranger; that bad boy look that attracts women.

A: Tell us more Brim.

B: But why do you think vampires have changed so drastically into a sex symbol recently?

A: Yeah, and don't give us that Twilight bullshit.

R: I think they've always been a sex symbol of sorts, it's just that they've only become drastically popular lately. They've always had the appeal. They're mysterious and powerful. They also make great tortured heroes or kind of secret good guys, and a lot of people like that sort of thing.

B: I've been writing for thirty some odd years-

A: Unsuccessfully.

B: Yes...unsuccessfully, thank you Asshole. I’ve wrote everything from fantasy to sci-fi, space operas and mysteries. Now, I'm not a prude. I put sex in my books but never have my scenes been like the ones in this book. They uh, really get the blood running. What's it like to write
 those scenes?

R: It's fun. Until someone peeks over your shoulder at your computer screen. It sometimes gets a little awkward then.

A: I would be writing those scenes in coffee shops and then reading them back to me to see who's giving me looks.

B: Only the baristas as they dial 911.

A: It's not that serious. But my turn. Why are romance and erotica books so popular? It seems every time I go to the grocery store, that's all they have is just one long row of books with shirtless guys on the cover. And then ten James Patterson books.

R: Most people want to find that one person that's really perfect for them. That's what happens to the characters in romance novels. Virtually all readers can relate to the excitement of a new relationship, falling in love, etc... Maybe it brings back memories, or maybe it represents a
 happiness they hope to find themselves someday. Either way, reading about a character finding the right person and overcoming the obstacles that would inhibit their love is emotionally satisfying.

A: What if I want to find more than one person?

B: Then you’re a whore. Now Ranae, let's talk more about your book and your writing. We read a ton of indie books on this blog and seem to come across a lot of books composed of 90 percent dialogue with little to no emphasis on description or the inner workings of the characters minds.
You, on the other hand, excel at not only creating a scene through period specific detail but also give the reader the full view of what's going on inside of Elsie's mind.

A: You realize we're supposed to be asking her questions, right?

B: I'm getting to it. Why did you choose to write like this? Is it just how you write or a convention of romance and erotica novels?

R: It's pretty much considered a must for romance/erotic romance novels. People who read those books want to really be inside the characters heads and know their thoughts and feelings – after all, they're about the emotions of falling in love (and sometimes lust). Without that the story would just become sort a mechanical feeling-less sexfest where the reader was left to wonder what the heck the characters were really thinking. A book can't be an emotionally satisfying read if there's no clear emotion. I think I've always written that way to a certain extent, but when I started writing erotic romance I quickly learned from publishers and editors that I needed to amp it up.

A: So we're interviewing you on Thanksgiving. What does a romance, erotic writer eat on such a holiday? Sensual mashed potatoes, a sexy turkey and euphoric stuffing?

B: That's not even real food.

A: You never know.

B: Your book ends with pretty much everything resolved but this is going to be a series. Is each book going to be a stand-alone novel or will they all be a part of a bigger plot?

R: Sorry to sound so boring, but all the dishes I've made for Thanksgiving are pretty ordinary. Lol.  Book 1 told Elsie's story. Book 2 is about Lucinda (Damon's sister) and how she falls in love. Then I plan to also write a book about Jenny (Elsie's best friend). The books will all contain all the characters readers know from the first book, but will each focus on a different character and be told from their point of view.

B: Do you plan on introducing other paranormal beings into the series? Or are you keeping that a secret?

R: I don't have any plans to do so, no. Just vampires and humans. Although if some really great idea involving some other sort of creature struck me, I'd definitely consider it. Just no Frankensteins.

A: If not him, then how about the Creature from the black lagoon?

B: Nobody cares about those old monster movies!

A: Fuck you.

B: No seriously man, focus on the interview.

A: How about I focus on kicking your ass.

B: I'm sorry Ranae.

A: You’re sorry?! I'm going to kick your ass!

B: So Ranae, what got you into writing?

R: I've been really into reading and writing ever since I was a small child. In fact, I used to sit at my little desk in my room and yell out to my mom in the kitchen to ask her how to spell words (because I was like six and didn't know how to spell much, but still wanted to write, lol). I was
always writing something throughout my childhood, whether it was a short story, poem or an attempt at a book. I started writing my first novel-length stuff when I was a teenager.

B: Well Ranae, it's been a pleasure interviewing you. Was there anything you wanted to add before we call it quits?

A: Black Friday horror stories?

B: No one cares about your night Asshole.

A: Oh god, what a fucking night.

R: Well, I love a good deal as much as the next person, but a couple years ago, after an idiotic trip to the busiest Wal-Mart on the Eastern Seaboard (and a few other places), I swore to myself that I'd never go Black Friday shopping again. Problem is, I made some mulled wine for Thanksgiving, and since it was hot I couldn't let it cool down and go to waste... So at some
point I ended up agreeing to go to the early Black Friday start last night. I picked up a few things, but I also must have come in contact with some germs while rubbing shoulders with every person in the county, because by the time I left the store I was sick. So here I am, paying the price of breaking the promise I made to myself. LOL. The moral of this story is: Don't go Black Friday shopping. It's not worth it. Even if you don't get trampled to death, you might get a cold.

A: Yeah, stood in line at Target with a pregnant wife for a good hour.

B: So when can we expect the next book in the Remington Vampires series to come out? And do you have a blog or twitter, anything else people can get a hold of you through?

R: That sounds really sucky! I think I was pregnant during that first horrible Black Friday trip, but not very far along so it wasn't a big deal. No way would anyone talk me into going otherwise. I did, however, experience the joy of Black Friday shopping with a toddler last night. I hope to publish Book 2 by late winter, though that's not concrete. And I do have a website and a Twitter account. Here they are:
www.RanaeRose.com
Twitter: @Ranae_Rose

A: And we are done with yet another interview here at Smart Weiters. Make sure to enter the giveaway and check back in two weeks for another interview. Will they be any good? Will my wife ever forgive me for knocking her ass over to get the 42”? Will my balls still exist? Only time will tell.

Ben: If you'd like to be entered in e-book giveaway, simply post a comment on this blog discussing the book; Demon of Mine. Leave a comment on this post by Friday December 9th at 8:00 p.m. CST to be entered into a drawing to win this book. One person will be chosen randomly using Random.org. Please make sure to leave an e-mail address with your comment.