The Staff

A literary genius known throughout Oxford and Yale, he gave up his career in writing to join a convent for the church of Christianity. While there, he was personally responsible for converting nighty five percent of the convent into followers of the Church of Satan. After being thrown out, he took his wisdom and teachings to the New York publishers world where he designed the first ever pornographic paperback book that's able to massage the special parts, complete with the smell of sweat, shit and juices. After a record number of twenty deaths within it's first week available, the books were taken off the market and a warrant was put out for his arrest. He currently divides his time throughout Russia and Asia where he continues to spread his message of hate and sex. If you have any specific knowledge of his whereabouts, please call 1-555-MOSTWANTED. The reward of serving the good of humanity is your prize.

First discovered on the streets of New York and photographed, recorded and thrown on the internet; he quickly became known as the worm man on the internet and garnered national recognition. Growing to hate his personal appearance, he took every job he could behind a camera. Seeing everyone he ever shot grow fat and ugly, he made it his goal in life to turn the whole world into nothing but fat and ugly people. Once he's accomplished this goal, he plans on distributing his cannibal creating poison throughout every fast food restaurant throughout the world. 

A man of unbelievable talents, he's known throughout the Chicago area as the best pizza delivery driver, best hamburger flipper and best milkshake maker in a five block radius. After a record number of literary agent rejections, he made his books into ebook format and put them out on the market. Within five days, he had 120 one star reviews of which most people wished a zero star review was possible. A group dedicated to getting their money back formed shortly after and turned to pursuing him throughout the continental states. When his moped ran out of gas in Flordia, he jumped into the ocean and started swimming for Europe. After a few minutes of swimming, he passed out. He was mistaken for a Russian submarine and rescued by their mother fleet. Once seeing their mistake, General Oroshnikoff enslaved him and took him back to Russia. He was then painted black and sold as a nuclear warhead to a group of rebels in Asia who owned a hostel. While there, he awoke and broke out only to run into the hostel's most valued customer: Asshole.

On vacation in China, he came upon the Smart Weiter's blog owned by a retired sumo wrestler. Seeing the potential in it, he bought the blog off the owner for a bag of peanuts and a used prostitute. Once in his possession, he made huge changes, the main of which was to the name. It is now the Smart Weiter's Blog #2. You can find all his titles on Amazon by searching under Andrew Augustine, from dark steampunk fantasy, Mr. Bradley & The Amazing Smoke Giant, post apocalyptic YA; The Goliath's Last Sacrifice and yes, even kid's books; PI Binks: The Case of the Missing B-I-N-G-O.