Thursday, February 23, 2012

Episode 10: All the shorty's say...something clever

Asshole: Welcome back to the Smart Weiters Blog #2! If you've missed us as much as we've missed you, then this relationship probably shouldn't exist in the first place. I'm not saying I didn't miss you readers, I'm just saying I'd rather lick your pile of shit off my aunts mole infested back then actually sit down at a restaurant with you while we both attempt small talk. Yes, I know there hasn't been any snow and that your grandpa died, I just don't care. This is episode 10, the first in what we hope will be many double digit episodes unless we of course start going backwards and have to implode within ourselves in some sort of Benjamin Button kind of death. This Also marks the beginning of the end for the Show  as I have invested heavily into some promising avenues that look good. In respect to that, I just want to say it's been a complete waste of my time doing these interviews and you can all suck my dick.

Brim: Promising avenues? Are you talking about the millionaire raffle?

A: I don't like talking about my finances on the show normally, but yes. Best odds to win a million dollars.

B: You have reached a new height in stupidity.

A: I try. For any newcomers to the show, the words followed by B are actually coming from a beached whale continually slapping it's fin onto a blackberry. 

B: Charming as always Asshole.

A: It's just natural to me. On the show today, we have yet another author who thinks they can charge money for magazine rejects.

B: You don't know that. I know a lot of indie authors who don't even try the traditional publishing route anymore.

A: Because they want instant gratification, those fuckers. Why can't any of these authors do what's done before them and starve and build for twenty years before they even get noticed?

B: As you buy lottery tickets.

A: Fuck you. Without further delay, here is Alyse Bingham on to talk about her short story collection, The Trio. Alyse, why don't you introduce yourself and your book for our audience.

Alyse: Well, I'm currently a sophomore in college. An English major. Yeah, I'm one of those dorks who actually likes "Beowulf". "The Trio" is my first actual attempt at publishing a story. Currently, I'm working on about 17 different projects, only 3 of which actually pertain to homework . . .

A: I thought Beowulf was awesome too. And Angelina Jolie, holy shit man. She can kill me any day of the week.

B: Alyse, let's start this interview by just going through your three story's one at a time and you can tell us the inspiration behind each one.

A: Like who emotionally crippled you enough to write your first one?

B: Well, not exactly. I'm thinking more like what were you trying to achieve with that story?

Alyse: For the record, I meant the book, which is technically an epic poem. Epic meaning "long". =] Also, I'm not emotionally crippled, haha. I'm just fascinated with different aspects of redemption, and how forgiveness is received . . . or not. I think we were given a prompt in a fiction workshop, and one was an hourglass. Can't remember what the other choice was, but I've always loved hourglasses, so that choice was pretty easy.

A: Every writer is emotionally crippled, or at least just Brim. He can't talk to any girls without letting out some poop gas.

B: I hate you. So your second story is actually my favorite. If I were to tell you which genre to pursue, it would definitely be science fiction. As you start your writing career, where do you see yourself going in terms of genre and such?

Alyse: You liked the second one best? Hm. Besides my classmates (in the workshop), you're the first to say that. Danke. Um, personally, I LOVE sci-fi. And fantasy. I tried to write a few historical fiction stories, but . . . ugh, it just didn't work. Historical fiction hates me. My ideal genre would be - as you said - sci-fi/fantasy, mixed with some good old steam-punk. Blended all together. Yep. My reasoning behind that is with historical stuff, there are limits as to what you can use. I don't know if the fact-checking was boring, or I just found the limitations too constricting. Probably both.

B: I like the second one best because it feels like you simply took it from a novel, whereas the other two read like short stories.

A: Okay. I just read it. That's a first. Mark the calendar. I read something.

B: Your third story is fairly depressing but good in its own way. What message were you trying to get across in that one?

A: I think it's obvious. God will kill you if you fuck him over. Thank God I'm an Atheist.

B: Thank God?

A: You know what I mean fucker.

Alyse: Well, I'm a Christian, and honestly, I really wasn't trying say anything in that story. I'm also fascinated with guilt and how people perceive "faults" that somehow "cause" tragedies.
That, and I think I had just read a story that took place during the Black Death breakout. I think. Can't 'member.

A: Let me ask this. Alyse, you’re young, presumably going to get a college degree. You still have time. Why get into this business of rejection and judgment where only the very best can make a decent living? Look at Brim! He's forty and delivering pizzas!

B: I think what he means is what are you going to college to be?

A: Sure.

Alyse: Honestly, I have no idea. I'm told by many of my professors that one can do pretty much anything with an English degree (except for nursing, math, science, which I have no interest in anyways). I really just want to get married, have kids, and teach them, like my mom did. I've considered free-lancing, and have actually been tentatively offered a job by a friend and colleague who has begun her own business of social media marketing. Currently, I work at an eye care clinic, and I'd be more than happy to continue on there.

B: Well it's good that you are getting a degree and not one of those all or nothing authors.

A: I'm an all or nothing opera singer.

B: That's horrifying.

A: I can sing. Do you want to hear me sing Alyse?

Alyse: Not particularly. (It's okay, I can't sing either.)

A: What?! Who doesn't want to hear these harpsichords stringing out Beethoven, orally?

B: That sounds so gay.

A: How?

B: Never mind. So Alyse, you said you’re working on around 17 different projects. What can tell us about any of them and what is the closest to be complete?

Alyse: Currently working on 3 papers for school . . . Nowhere near finished, and a short story for a fiction workshop. Nowhere near finished . . .

B: What’s your favorite part of the writing process?

Alyse: I think that would be brainstorming. But that's mostly because I procrastinate in actually typing it up.

A: Brainstorming eh? Haha. I know what that entails in college. A little Mary Jane to get the brain swirling.

B: It's always something perverse with you.

A: I'm just saying. I remember my college years and my 'brainstorming' sessions.

B: Now you’re just wasting her time. Was there anything else you wanted to say that we didn't ask Alyse?

Alyse: Nope, I think y'all covered it!

B: In that case, do you want to plug your facebook, blog, book, etc?

A: Or any dating websites you might be on.

B: Seriously?

A: Shh...let's see what she says.

Alyse:  Here are the sites: my Tumblr - , my Twitter -!/I_Be_Random, and my book on Amazon -, B&N -, and Smashwords - Thanks!

A: Well that’s our show. If you’d like to pick up Alyse’s short story collection, The Trio, you can find it on Amazon. To know when to come back for our sporadic releases of new interviews, simply subscribe to this blog, you bastards. And thanks again to Alyse for coming on.