Friday, December 23, 2011

Episode 5: Christmas Mayhem Special Anniversary Extravangza Edition Celebrating 2 Months of Bringing the World the Hardest Hitting Interviews Of All Time. Also, Fuck you.

Asshole: Hi and welcome to another episode of the smart weiters blog, number 2 where we've been descending lower and lower into the sewers of the writing world to find the tadpoles swimming around in the feces and vomit of older writers who've passed out, drunk and poor. In staying with the mood of the season, we are of course broadcasting this episode in the heart of Santa's workshop. Brim has passed out vodka and brandy to all the elves, we've hidden Santa's pants in the cookie machine and after this interview we'll be having a race between the reindeer around the workshop with me riding laps around these fuckers atop Rudolph. Because we are in the mood for this joyous season, and we demand that everyone out there match our emotions verbatim, we want everyone who reads this episode to post a comment describing the worst Christmas gift they've ever gotten, the worst Christmas drink concoction they've ever drank or some other sordid aspect of the holiday season. I am of course joined by my step-stool with arms and a mouth that never shuts up when I try to change the lights, Brim.

Brim: I'm only a foot shorter then you.

A: And about three feet wider! Joining us in studio as always is Ben the man of whom the pet rock was based entirely on. 

Ben: Just introduce the guest dickhead.

A: We will get to that in a minute. First, I want to go over the reason for the season please gentlemen. This is a time to think about snow, hot chocolate, overpriced plastic trees with expensive Apple products wrapped in cellophane underneath, movies with subtle racist comments about green people, and the depressing weight of our shitastic economy bearing down on our credit cards as we continue to swipe it at pancake houses and toy stores in hopes of blinding us in our holiday joy to forget about the real world for a little bit. By the way, the grass people are filing complaints against the makers of the Grinch movie as we speak for their insensitivity to the plight of their people against the oppressive regimes of the lawnmower people.

B: Do you listen to yourself when you speak?

A: I'm in and out. So, without further delay, let us sing our first Christmas Song, pop the cork on the peppermint Schnapps and hot chocolate and start unwrapping the gifts for me. Santa! Put your pants back on. No one wants to see your junk flopping about.

B: I'm just going to introduce our guest for today. On this episode we interview Kristyanne Ross about her new ebook Old Magick. Why don't you introduce yourself and tell our audience a bit about your new book Kristyanne.

Kristyanne: Hi there, I’m not too sure what you want to know, but here goes anyhoo. I’m twenty-six, work full time and write/study/craft part time. I have been writing seriously since I was thirteen and with encouragement from some good tutors have had some short stories and poems published prior to Old Magick being released. I’m a massive fan of Christmas (not for the Apple products I’m not an Apple fan) as it’s the one time of year I am guaranteed to see all my family.
Old Magick is a paranormal romance with a hint of horror, as Loshelle finds herself trying to protect the secret of the vampires from human beings. She finds herself battling magick and vampires alike in her quest to keep the human society safe from her kind.

A: How can you not be a fan of Apple? I don't like you. We're done with this interview.

B: Not everyone falls victim to overpriced computer gadgets like you Asshole.

A: Yes they do. She's obviously in denial about her addiction.

B: Oh man, you’re an idiot. So Kristyanne, vampires are supposed to feed off people but more and more we see these distant figures of horror become the good guys. Why did you choose to approach the story from that angle?
K: He he, I prefer to buy gadgets that are compatible with each other without needing the high prices and extra software. With regards to the book though, vampires weren’t always the good guys. In this chapter of the tale they have worked hard to find a substitute for blood, not to be humane but to avoid the notice of the humans living around them. (Although not all the vampires subscribe to this theory). It is easier for a vampire to live unnoticed but when people start disappearing off the street questions get asked, the police turn up and it is difficult to hide bodies that have been drained of blood. Loshelle is still in possession of all her human qualities so when she turns and starts having to live as a vampire, she still has the compassion and other emotions of a human being. Although she is fighting for her family, she is also fighting for her race, the fact that it protects the humans is merely an aside to her.

A: So if I see her walking behind me in a crypt, I should still kill her?

B: Were you listening to her at all?

A: Hold on, Santa found his pants. That fucker. Someone throw him outside!

B: So you said you've written short stories before but is this your first crack at a full length novel?

A: Yeah, how many 'gems' do you have in your trunk? That's what you call them right Brim?

B: Go to hell.

K: If I found her walking behind me in a crypt I would kill her, she might share human emotion but honestly, she is still a vampire and just because she doesn’t need as much blood as others doesn’t mean she hasn’t killed humans. I’ve written a number of short stories, all have very different tones and styles to Old Magick. Ranging from military journalism to historic fiction I have written around fifteen short stories. As for novels, this is my third attempt. The first I wrote during high school, when I read it back a few months ago I couldn’t believe it was something I had written, it just wasn’t like my writing at all. The second, well the less said about the second the better; it is in the back of a draw somewhere quite unfinished. I much prefer poetry to short stories though and have had some of those published as well. Whether they are gems or not is still to be seen though.

A: What got you into writing in the first place? Was it the poor lifestyle, the emotional strain of constant rejection, being able to survive off of coffee and cigarettes or maybe the luxurious lifestyle of driving a fifteen year old car that won't start half the time?

B: Most writers do have a stable job.

A: I know. You deliver pizzas. What does Kristyanne do when she's not writing?

B: Let's focus on the writing.

A: You focus on whatever you want. I'm riding the reindeer's.

B: So Kristyanne, let's talk about your poetry really quick. I'm interested to know if you've tried to test the market with a book on poetry yet? I haven't seen or heard anything about it but I haven't done much research. Do you know if authors are having success with it and if they are, is that something you plan on exploring?

K: I began writing in response to homework set in school, granted it took me months to finish that piece my teacher was very supportive and pushed me into editing and to look into publishing. I never did get that one published. When I’m not writing, I work full time in customer services and run a cross stitch website so I have one stable job (minus the pizzas) and two unstable ones. Although I don’t smoke, I drink coffee by the gallon! I have recently put a book of Christmas poetry up on Smashwords as an e-book to test the waters. The poetry was done as a response to a challenge I took up to write a poem a day for advent. Other than that I have found getting poems published is a lot more difficult than fictional prose. I have had a couple of pieces published but would jump at the chance to have a chap book published although for now, I am quite content writing the second and third part to Old Magick, so it will have to wait for now.

A: I write poetry all the time.

B: No you don't.

A: Just cause I don't show you doesn't mean I don't write poetry. It's a very personal experience for me. 

B: What are they about?

A: Falling in love with strippers.

B: You bring nothing to these interviews. 

A: I brought the vodka. Those elves will thank me in the morning. Kristyanne, what is your drink of choice? 

B: How about what's your plan for Old Magick? 

A: You’re so boring.

B: This is supposed to be about her book, not your damn obsession with Christmas!

A: This is our Christmas special with drunk elves and a pantless Santa. 

K: My drink of choice depends on the occasion, for Christmas it’s Bailey’s, a normal night out would be Raspberry Vodka and lemonade, for writing coffee wins every time! Something tells me the elves will be doing more than thanking you in the morning, that is, when they get over the headaches. Old Magick already available as an e-book and in print, but the story doesn’t stop with Old Magick, there will be two further chapters in the saga. While Old Magick focuses on Loshelle, the next installment goes into her mother’s back story, it traverses through time starting with the Tudors through to present day, we find out what happened to her father and see the wars from the vampire’s point of view. The third will be set in the future, following the joining of two strongest vampire families in the world.

B: Will each book be a standalone or will they all build up on an overarching plot?

K: Each book will link to the same family but certainly book one and two will be standalone, it wouldn’t matter which way around you read them, as for the third, some knowledge would probably be needed from the first.

A: Will there be any from the perspective of a potato?

K: Nope, no potatoes in there. (Unless Santa has squeezed some into the script without me knowing).

B: When can we expect the 2nd and third installments of Old Magick?

K: The second installment will be ready early spring 2012 and the third I am hoping to have a completed first draft by the same point so I can have it ready by late summer, early autumn.  I may do another small book of short stories in the meantime to release in the summer as well dependent on my spare time.

A: I want to know what it’s like to be blind.

B: I don't think she's blind.

A: It wasn't a question. I was just saying I want to know what it's like.

B: Close your eyes.

A: Oh. That's not exciting.

B: So Kristaynne, where can people find you on the web? Do you have a website, facebook or twitter?

A: And what do you think it's like to be blind?

B: Seriously?

A: She can answer for herself fuckface.

K: I have no idea what it is like to be blind, I know it’s supposed to enhance the other senses but that’s about it. With regards to being on the web, I have a profile on smashwords:
My Blog is: (which is where you will find any free promotional codes)
My twitter username is: @nudul1
And my author facebook page is at:  Https://

I don’t think I have missed any out. My website is a craft one, so I’m guessing you guys don’t want that.

A: Are you kidding? Brim is a craft junkie. He's got a Hobby Lobby credit card with a ten thousand dollar limit. 

B: Umm...he's lying but why don't you throw that out there as well. 

K: Oh okay, that one is

A: Okay were done with you, now leave.

B: Dude shut up. Kristyanne, it was a pleasure having you on. Maybe we can do this again when your second book comes out. Till then, everybody go check out Old Magick.  

K: Thanks for having me! I would love to come back in a few months’ time to talk about the second one! Have a lovely Christmas and New Year, hopefully the elves will sober up enough to finish the toys and presents and Santa will find his pants (and hopefully Rudolph) in time to deliver them all!
 (Oh just as an afterthought, Christmas Day will see Old Magick available for free for all those with a kindle on and – for those with other e-readers keep an eye out on my blog for a free code for Smashwords)

A: So that’s our Christmas episode everyone. Now go out, have a few drinks, read Old Magick in front of a raging fireplace while you contemplate the mysteries of the universe and your kids yell at you about how shitty your presents are and how much your parents think you suck at parenting and your uncle comes in wearing his short shorts and glitter shoes….oh god, someone kill me.