Saturday, November 12, 2011

Episode 1: Steampunk whores need not apply

Hi and welcome to the the first episode of The Smart Weiter Blog, also known as Batman's retirement years as well as the virtual toilet paper for Barnes and Noble employees. This is a blog that interviews all the latest writers infecting the kindle, nook and every other place that someone looking for anything good goes only to find something bad. Each episode will be taped in our base studio in Prussia, then transcribed into Latin, given to scholars to translate into English and then posted here with some pictures stolen from the local kindergarten for your eying pleasure. We hope to have giveaways of physical books from all our interviewees so that that whole virtual toilet paper can be a full reality. We promise to berate, belittle and poke fun at all the writers we interview, of course with the goal to sabotage their career as well as our own in the process. Although we promise a hard hitting interview loaded with deeper themes, issues and character studies, we don't actually promise on reading the work.

B: I do plan on reading the books unlike my short sighted counterpart.

A: short sighted but not short in other areas. As you heard, I'm not alone. With me in the interviewing process in spirit and fleshy mass is my associate Brim.

B: Hello audience and welcome to the greatest waste of time. 

A: Brim, tell our audience really quickly who you are, what ice cream you cuddle up with after one of your various heartbreaks occur running out of money on the corner and ugh...I don't know, your skin color which always seems to be a prevalent issue.

B: I hope you know your juvenile humor will only last as long as the audience is willing to act stupid.

A: So we have some time.

B: Your on to a great start. Well yes, I am Brim and I am a forty three year old aspiring writer that's had short story's almost published in various magazines.

A: You know, the term aspiring loses ground after you break you thirties.

B: I also review everything from books, movies, video games, restaurants, music and television. I have dozens of notepads filled at home with my reviews.

A: Like you, they decay in their own filth with no real purpose to society.

B: So tell the audience about yourself then.

A: They don't deserve me yet. So, to Ben the goggly eyed camera guy who's not human, definitely not a man, and almost certainly a virgin if you are to discount most melon shaped fruits with various holes cut in them and that turkey Brim ate last year for Thanksgiving.

Ben: Hi.

A: Great contribution! And heading up this team of skeptical freak show dropouts, a man to who no amount of money is worth anything, who eats the shells and saves the nuts, is our owner...Fat!

B: He will fire you:

A: I asked him to. He staunchly refuses to pony up the unemployment funds though.

B: Don't you have to be making money before you can claim unemployment?

A: In his defense, he has been liberating truckloads of monopoly boards for the bills so I can tack them up on my walls to see what it feels like to live in luxury.

B: Your callousness on the subject of your own poverty is sad.

A: I tell him that all the time but he just says he wants more crayons that smell like bees assholes and I tell him they don't make those and he says they do. I've looked on Amazon but haven't come across such a fragrance yet.

Ben: I'm sorry, I thought this was the smart weiters blog, not 'two idiots ramble on forever about how pitiful their existence is' show.

A: Your right jackass! Coming up, we'll tell you how to cook a googly eyed virgin on a campfire. Best tip? Shove the skewer right up his asshole. Careful though, he might like it.

B: In all seriousness, our inaugural guest is author Andrew Augustine, bringing to our attention his newest novel: Mr. Bradley & The Amazing Smoke Giant. It's a steampunk fantasy novel-

A: Are you serious with that name? Who's your target audience, ten year olds? Is this a kids book? I told you Ben I didn't want any children's books authors.

Ben: He's not.

Andrew: It's not a kids book. The protagonist is 18 and the books humor and violence isn't fit for kids.

A: So you just suck with titles then?

Andrew: I wanted something a bit different. I think it sticks out. 

B: It does. I actually found the title to be quite charming.

A: He means gay. He thinks your title is gay.

B: Ignore him the best you can. He'll soon start talking to the mirror after a while.

Andrew: Okay...

B: So it's a steampunk fantasy novel. Sort of an epic story set amongst political and religious strife. It's told from the viewpoint of Harker Horling-

A: Horling?! Bwah hahah! Your an idiot man.

B: -who's banished from his province by his father for burning down a pub whilst drunk. The story starts with him off on "vacation" at the province of Plaxion. While there, he falls in love with a princess and an enemy invades the city. He then sets off on a humorous adventure full of crooked politicians and colorful characters to save the princess from being killed by an evil God trying to be resurrected. 

Andrew: That's correct.

B: It seems this story has been told before.

A: Yeah, about two million times before.

B: What makes your story different from the others?

Andrew: The critical point of the plot is the fact that the princess has to actually kill herself to resurrect the God who she's actually grown up believing in as her savior. So there's this inner battle within herself to either not kill herself for her own sake, or to raise this God that she's always believed in for the good of humanity, or so her God has told her. 

B: So it boils down to the strength of faith?

Andrew: In a sense. Harker is one of the few nonbelievers in the book and part of his mission once he actually catches up to the princess is to convince her that her beliefs have been wrong. 

A: This is boring. Are there any fighting or ritualistic suicides, vampires, steampunk whores? If there's no sex, I"m not reading this.

Andrew: Uhh...sorry, there's no sex.

A: Awesome. Who booked you?

Andrew: You.

A: I must've thought you were someone else. How long is this yarn? 

Andrew: A little over 100 thousand words.

A: Yeah I'm not reading it.

B: So this is part of the "Skull & Angel" series. Tell me, what does that have to do with the book?

Andrew: Mr. Bradley is sort of my version of Satan in the series and at one point in the book, he offers Harker his mask that will give him the power to defeat the dark God. If he points it on though, it will stay there forever. To answer your question, the mask is a skeleton face.

B: So it's safe to assume he puts the mask on?

A: Way to ruin his story dipshit.

Andrew: Haha, well I'm planning on making it a five book series.

A: Of course. Who doesn't write a series nowadays that's ridiculously long and unneeded. What's happened to the days when an author wrote one book for every ten years and then died at a young age from poverty and starvation? Those were the good old days.

B: They died with the advent of the computer. Back to the interview, what do you think your strengths are as an author?

A: Careful now.

Andrew: I think I'm pretty good with character and dialogue.

A: So you suck with descriptions, monologue, plot, pacing-

Andrew: No, no, I just think those are my strengths.

B: So, on to more personal things-

A: When did you lose your virginity? Or plan on it?

Andrew: I'm actually married and going to have my second son this December.

A: Ever ask your wife why your children look like me?

B: That is way out of line. Excuse him, uhh, I was thinking what made you want to become a writer?

Andrew: Music. When I was young, every time I heard a song I'd zone out and imagine this movie trailer flashing through my head. So I actually had this dream of being a movie director for the longest time. Of course during high school I didn't put any thought into college or how I was going to become a director. I just assumed it would happen I guess. 

A: You write books?!

Andrew: The summer after high school, I was sitting in my dad's basement playing video games when I heard this beeping sound going off. I ignored it and continued playing my game. My older brother asked me what the noise was and I just shrugged it off. He ran up stairs and was back within seconds to tell me the house was on fire. It was then I remembered the candle I'd lit in my room. 

A: You are a genius.

Andrew: So I spent that whole summer and well into fall doing construction on the house, pulling up carpet and tacks, removing drywall and putting in installation. I slept in the basement cause my room was completely destroyed and dreamed every night about the story's in my head that I'd always planned on making into movies. It was pretty depressing. But soon I got walls and a bed in my room and finally had a place to myself again. One day, with no job or classes, I started writing my first book.

B: Was that this book?

Andrew: No, actually Mr. Bradley & The Amazing Smoke Giant is probably the seventh full length book I've wrote. It's the first I've published though. 

A: Seventh? Your 24 and started writing when you were eighteen. You mean to tell me you've written seven books in six years?

Andrew: Only one or two are any good, but yeah, I'm pretty quick on the keyboard.

B: Well, it is a pretty enjoyable read. The plot has some pretty good twists and turns and the characters are great. I love Inspector Conspacko. So the only thing left is to ask, what's on the horizon?

Andrew: I have a YA urban fantasy, post apocalyptic story called Goliath's Last Sacrifice due to come out in a few weeks. I'm also working on a full picture children's book with my wife which I hope to have out before Christmas. Then, Skull and Angel 2 should be out sometime in January or February. It depends on how quickly we get used to the second baby.

A: Whoa dick shit, only one book. Some of us have places to be.

B: The whorehouse is open all night.

A: 2am whore has twice as many STD's as 12am whore, so wrap this up. 

B: Well, thank you for joining us on our inaugural episode of the Smart Weiters Blog. It's been a pleasure having you on and I can't wait to pick up the second installment of the Skull & Angel. Anything you want to add Asshole?

A: Yes, I've thumbed through your book and deemed you a liar. There are no naked pictures of women in there. 

Andrew: I never said there was.

A: Then fuck you and your book. Thanks folks for joining us here, on the Smart Weiters Blog. Who's coming up next time? Not sure yet, but I can say that it's probably an egotistical jackass infecting our minds and polluting our internet with shitastic books about how shitty their life is. Until then, stay smart!

Ben: We hope you enjoyed our inaugural episode. Be the first to post how much you hate Asshole on this blog and you'll receive a paperback of Andrew Augustine's steampunk fantasy novel; Mr. Bradley & The Amazing Smoke Giant. Thanks and check back in two weeks for our second interview.

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