Friday, January 6, 2012

Episode 6: The Man with the Pig Ghost Sex Doll

Asshole: Hi and welcome to episode 6 of the smart weiter’s blog numero dos, also known as the unstickable wallpaper, the wingless bird and the dull blade. This being the year 2012, we’ve decided at the end of a rifle to move studios, seek new ownership and bring some changes to the show. So in order to kick off our first episode of this new year which is oddly enough ‘the year of the shitty writer,’ we’ve brought our emotional baggage with us from previous ownership. Without further ado, here’s a brief fuck you to our ex owner Fat: You MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING WHORE LICKING BASTARD SHIT HEAD PIECE  OF WORK COULDN’T FIND YOUR FUCKING NUTS IF THEY WERE STABLED TO YOUR FUCKING DOME FIVE HEADED EMPTY SHELL OF A HEAD. FUCK YOU. AND BY THE WAY, I WAS FUCKING YOUR WIFE. So, now that that’s taken care of, we’re looking for a new owner, hopefully someone who’s willing to pay us. We’ll accept beer as payment for now but will need some profit sharing if we move up to hookers later on. All I’ll say on that is I don’t mind sloppy seconds, or thirds, or fourths…as long as I get something.

Brim: Your back to being desperate huh?

A: In case your new to the blog, audience, that was my bitch sidekick without a dick, the star on the rise when we’re talking about burgers and fries, the man who put aut in author (which happens to be a reference to an obscure English curse word about how a mule with no legs); it’s Brim!

B: It’s because of you that Fat left.

A: You’re welcome.

B: Well as useless as your first rant was, you did bring up some hopeful changes we want to bring to the new year. More episodes would be great but if we were to do that, it would be in a different manner than an interview. We’re going to try to do one every other week as a sort of behind the scenes look at the rigorous work that is involved in making the show and preparing for interviews.

A: Lots of donuts. Lots of cocaine.

B: We also hope to have a new design soon but seeing as how we’re both technologically challenged to customize a simple blog; that might be some ways off.

A: I’m not. I reprogrammed my toaster to go swimming whenever it sees fat people and I’d be racking up some points too if I shelled out a few bucks for an extension cord.

B: I will never understand your vendetta against fat people.

A: Umm, ex owner ring a bell? Stay on top of something fuckface.

B: So those are the changes we hope to bring. We have moved our studios to China.

A: Fucking can’t even breathe without sucking someone elses air here.

B: But we’re determined not to miss an episode. So without further delay, let us welcome our guest Mario Karloff and have him give us a brief description of his new book Cannibal Swine.

Mario: Well hi Brim and Asshole. My new book Cannibal Swine is a…a bitch, a horrible, life sucking bitch that I spent four years writing, over and over and over. I lost the thing in its entirety three fucking times before finally hammering it down and putting it to stone.

B: Can you give us a one sentence description?

M: Besides life sucking bitch? How about a crappy book about a serial killer, placing oneself above humanity and a virus from pork rinds.

A: Go on.

M: It’s a bit of horror, a bit of mystery, something visceral I’d hoped and plenty of sordid. I wanted a piece of work showing a man faced with a decision. Well back track, I wanted a zombie book but first I wanted the story behind how the virus was released and then I got more interested in writing that fucking book then I was of adding another piece of shit zombie trash onto the market. And so I began trying to find the heart of the character that could do something like this.

A: I read some, I won’t lie. The first sentence of the book is pretty good. Does it get better from there?

B: Don’t you have some booze to buy or something?

A: I came prepared dick spooner, now you sit in your corner and read your playbill from Cats.

B: That’s a lie!

M: I actually think the book has its ups and downs. I think any writer that’s confident about the work they put out there is either incredibly stupid or incredibly naive. I’m the first to admit the faults of my work but I’ve worked so hard at this one book that to completely throw it away after four years without testing the market would be an incredible ego blow. I don’t even care if it gets panned by everybody. At least then I’d know I was right.

B: Speaking of the ups, I loved the character Gimo in this book. Tell me, what was your inspiration for the demonic ghost pig?

M: I wanted an edge, a darker side to the overall story in Victor’s (the main character) corner of the story. The side dealing primarily with the serial killer and all the other secondary characters has the grisly deaths but the book follows Victor most of the time so I wanted that dark cloud over his head so to say. Plus, it’s his inner conflict shown in a more vivid way.

A: Ghost pig eh? Fuck, now I’m hungry.

B: Stick to your questions.

A: I’m ready to fire whenever you’re ready to shut up.

B: Go ahead.

A: All right. So Mario, what is your affiliation with Boris Karloff, the great actor who portrayed Frankenstein?

B: You’re an idiot.

A: This is important!

M: It’s actually a pen name. Mario’s my real name but not Karloff. My family’s pretty sensitive to my writing so I try to distance myself from them and them from it as much as possible. Some of them know about it and still read it but as long as their friends and others can’t connect the dots, they’re fine with it.

A: Must make for some awkward visits back home.

M: They know where they stand.

B: So what brought you to writing in the first place? Was it a way to deal with your emotions or was it a creative project in college?

M: It was my constant desire to impress girls. Haha. It sounds so sordid but it’s the only fucking truth I have. I first started writing because I couldn’t impress them with my good looks or my strength or even my brain, I was a skinny jerk in high school that spent most of his time reading and making forts in the forest.

A: I smell backwoods and hear a banjo.

M: Michigan, UP. But I wrote out a whole book and showed it around to a few of my friends that were girls feeling like a badass cause I’d made them characters.

B: Whoa.

M: Yeah, big mistake. Instead of being flattered, they gave me awkward glances like ‘this is what you really think of me?’ So it failed to impress but it got me hooked. And I’ve been writing for the hell of it and to explore some issues ever since.

A: You deliver pizza, don’t you?

B: Stop with that question man.

M: I’m actually still a student so I don’t do shit.

A: I hate you. Fuck this guy.

B: Why go straight to self publishing? It seems a lot of new writers are completely skipping or ignoring traditional publishers now. Is that the case with you or did you try the traditional way first?

A: A lot of good it’s done you Brim.

M: Yeah, fuck the traditional publishers. I’m trying to write new, original works and it seems like all they care about is riding the next big wave. I’m not planning on making a career out of this so me self publishing wasn’t me wanting to rack in the most cash I could. It was me just flipping the pubs the bird and doing things my way. I figure if I’m going to write, I’m going to write what I fucking want, not what some asshole in New York wants me to write just because some bitch sold a million copies of her fucking book. Plus, even the pubs are almost expecting writers to make a presence in the indie scene before they’ll even look at you.

A: Just do what I did and hold one of the editor’s family member’s hostage. It got me a book deal for a day before I had to leave America.

B: You’re lying.

A: Why do you think we do this show in other countries?!

B: But you don’t write.

A: Well it was one of your old books, which is probably why the hostage negotiations took so long.

B: Fuck you.

A: I think it was A Needle in the Dark. Haha. You’re a fucking tool.

B: So Mario, let’s get back to your book before I forget my question. What is the main conflict of the story? We really haven’t touched on that at all.

M: The main conflict is that a pork rind company off the eastern seaboard has been sold and new ownership is looking to replace everyone. Victor is one of the lead developers there and decides that if he wants to keep his high paying job, he’ll have to make something so successful they’ll be forced to keep him. So he comes up with this idea for an addicting pork rind. And so that half of the book is about him and his boss competing to create a recipe for that captures that aspect. In the background, there’s a serial killer, a town conspiracy and this mystery from the past. I tried to tie it all up in a neat little package at the end where all the story lines come to a point at the same time. It’s up to the reader whether or not I pulled that off.

B: I thought it was nicely crafted.

A: Oh shit, someone call Mr. King.

B: Shut up. So the ending leaves off on a cliffhanger of sorts. When can we expect part 2?

A: You mean there’s another one of these pieces of shit coming? Great…

M: That won’t be for a while. It’s strange to say I hope whoever reads it doesn’t get too hyped up over the ending because I haven’t even thought about coming back to it for at least a few years.

B: So what is in the works?

M: Currently I’m working on a few projects. One of them is a Saw-like horror version of Dante’s Inferno that steps away from the literary aspects of the world and focuses more on the effects of our sins on our children; the versions of hell we create for them through negligence or abuse or indifference, etc.

A: Someone’s got issues.

M: And the other is a strange tale in space about a small group of spacemen who all lose their mind in the process of trying to figure out what the fuck their supposed to be doing.

B: Interesting.

M: I’m also working on a book that I wrote a few years back about a very violent revolution in a big city. It has to be scanned and probably reworked but its great source material.

B: When can we expect any of this?

M: No idea. Haha. I’m at school and that shit takes precedence but I’m working on each a little at a time. I think Angela’s Inferno should be out sometime before summer. I hope.

A: Yeah…is this over?

B: Well it’s been great to interview you. Hopefully we can have you back whenever you release your next title, whatever it ends up being. Are you online at all? A blog, facebook, twitter?

M: Haha. I have nothing. Kind of relates to the whole family thing. I might get a website up sooner or later but that’ll have to wait till I have a few more titles out. Till then, everyone can check out Cannibal Swine on Amazon. If you have their Prime thing, you can get it for free. Otherwise, it’s not up anywhere else.

A: Well I’m tired of you so this interview is over. Thanks for joining us folks on this, the new and improved yet metallic tasting similar edition of the Smart Weiters Blog 2. If you’d like to win a free ebook of Mr. Karloff’s POS, simply post a comment about how fat an ass your significant other has along with your email and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win his book for the Kindle. This giveaway ends January 20th, 2012 at midnight. Wait…we’re missing something…something important…oh, that’s it; FUCK YOU BEN!

Ben: I wasn’t fired.

A: Oh…well go fuck yourself anyways.

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